“The Other Side of Burden Bearing”

Monday, November 23, 2020

Yesterday we talked about the need to bear one another’s burdens with the necessary traits of love and humility. Today I’d like to focus on the other side of that relationship and consider the number one trait required by the person bearing the burden. Having been a part of several different accountability relationships, both in a one on one format and in small groups, and having been actively involved on both sides of those relationships, I can tell you from experience that the number one requirement is honesty. It is absolutely essential. Without it, the entire relationship falls apart. This is especially the case when the burden is sin and temptation. This is so because sin likes to hide in the dark, it wants to remain hidden, and it will do everything it can to disguise itself. We are all familiar with John 3:16 but consider what is said just a few verses later in verses 19 through 21:

“And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. ²⁰ For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. ²¹ But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.”

Sin loves to stay in the dark, but as people committed to holiness and living a life guided by the Spirit (Gal. 5:16-26), we must be willing to confront the darkness within us with light if we want to have any hope of expelling it. Consider also 1 John 1:5-10:

⁵ This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. ⁶ If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. ⁸ If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. ⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

If we want to be in fellowship with the God, who is light, and the community of His people, we must be upfront about our sin. Further, this sort of transparency is essential if we want to be free from and find victory over sin and temptation.

²  Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. ³  For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. ⁴  For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah ⁵  I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. (Ps 32:2–5)

Now I’m not going to lie (see what I did there?) this sort of honesty and transparency is not easy. To lay oneself bare before another so that they see all your worts and wrinkles and the things you typically try to cover up requires great vulnerability. The risk we take is that we open ourselves up to judgment and rejection. But, ideally, we have chosen someone who is led by the Spirit and embodies gentleness, humility, and love to help bear our burden. They are someone whose first recourse is to listen and love, rather than reject and recoil. This quells much of our fear.

Two other essentials that spring from this one trait: immediacy and specificity.

Let me lay out a scenario that happens far too often in these relationships.

Bob struggles with alcoholism (forgive me if the following scene is imprecise or stereotyped. This is not one of my particular burdens). Bob is tempted and thinks, “I need to reach out to my accountability partner, John. But… John’s busy. He’s got a lot going on. It can wait. I’ll talk to him later.” Five minutes go by, ten minutes go by, Bob is doing okay, but around about minute 13, Bob is being tempted again, and this time Bob caves hard. Bob should have reached out immediately. Even if John was busy and in the most important meeting of his life and couldn’t check his phone until 2 hours later, Bob could have sent a text. “John, I’ve had a hard day at work. I went out to eat with the guys after quitting time, everybody is ordering drinks, and I’m really jonesing for one. Please check in with me later and ask me if I had anything to drink.” Consider what two things would have happened had Bob sent that text.

First, Bob would’ve reached out immediately. Even though John wouldn’t have been able to respond in the moment, Bob has set the scene for a proper accountability conversation to happen later. He was tempted at 5:48, and the text went out at 5:49. Because he knew that the conversation would be coming later and he immediately reached out, there was no time for the temptation to fester without Bob thinking, “I’m going to have to tell John how things went later.”

Second, Bob was specific with the temptation and what sort of accountability he wanted. This helps to ensure honesty and doesn’t give any wiggle room for murkiness. Suppose Bob had said, “Ask me how it went” rather than “ask me if I had a drink.” John calls Bob later and asks, “so how’d things go?” “Things went fine,” Bob replied. End of conversation. Of course, what Bob is leaving out was that he continued to be tempted for several more minutes, finally decided to order a drink, had about half of one, decided to quit, felt good about that decision after the fact, and assumed he was doing fine. All of that needs to be part of the conversation if they are going to have any effect. If I know I’m going to have to give a detailed account later; I’m less likely to toy with whatever line it is I’m being tempted to cross.

Honesty often requires immediacy and specificity. We can’t leave room for the details to become murky.

In the ideal scenario, Bob and John would have a conversation later following up on the immediate and specific text that Bob sent. Bob, because he had reached out, successfully overcame temptation and is able to look forward to the conversation. John patiently and lovingly listens to the details of the event and gently and humbly responds by praying for Bob, thanking him for reaching out, applauding his honesty, and offering some advice about what Bob could’ve done differently next time (if anything). Together they both celebrate the victory. This is vitally important. Too often, these relationships center around failure rather than victory. The conversations tend to only happen when there is a fall of some sort. While constructive, loving, humble, gentle critique may be necessary, at times, we must learn to celebrate the victories, not just criticize the failures. As Rom. 12:15 says,

¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

In addition to these sorts of conversations that occur as a particular temptation arises, fall occurs, or victory is won, accountability partners may also agree to talk on a routine basis, daily or weekly, about life, hopes, dreams, disappointments, delights, stresses, struggles, etc. This will help build trust and comradery and will strengthen the relationship so that when the difficult conversations need to occur, they can be approached by both parties with love instead of fear (1 John 4:18).

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

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